He Promised to Quit… But Didn’t. Here’s What’s Actually Going On—And How to Heal Your Relationship
Saturday Morning.
The coffee’s brewing, the kids are watching cartoons, and you’re trying to enjoy a quiet moment before the day starts. But something feels off. It’s that deep, nagging feeling in your gut—the one you’ve learned to ignore, to push down, because confronting it only seems to make things worse.
You glance at your husband. He’s on his phone, scrolling. You can’t see what he’s looking at, but your heart pounds anyway. You don’t want to be the suspicious wife. You don’t want to start another fight. But you also know that every time you’ve ignored this feeling before, you’ve regretted it.
So you ask, as casually as you can, “Hey… everything okay?”
He barely looks up. “Yeah. Why?”
You hesitate. “I don’t know. Just checking in.”
Now he’s irritated. “I said I’m fine.”
You tell yourself to let it go. But for the rest of the day, there’s tension. He’s grumpy, distant. You try to shake the feeling, but something doesn’t add up. And deep down, you know—you just know.
Maybe it’s that you found something on his phone last month. He swore he stopped. He promised it wouldn’t happen again. Maybe it’s that you’ve been through this cycle before—catching him, confronting him, hearing his apologies, believing his promises, only to find out later that he never really stopped.
And now, here you are again. Wondering. Doubting. Hurting.
Why This Keeps Happening
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many women in your position have played out this exact scenario—over and over again. It’s exhausting. It’s painful. And it makes you feel like you’re losing yourself.
You want to believe him. You want to trust that this time is different. But when his words don’t match his actions, it leaves you feeling crazy. And the worst part? The more you try to get the truth, the more he pushes back—defensive, irritated, shutting down, or even turning it back on you.
So what’s really going on?
The truth is, men who struggle with compulsive porn use aren’t doing it because of their wives. It’s not about you not being “enough.” It’s not about how attractive you are, how often you have sex, or whether you’re a good wife.
It’s about him.
Most men who use porn regularly aren’t even fully aware of why they do it. For many, it started when they were teenagers—before they even understood their own emotions. It became a coping mechanism, a way to escape discomfort. Over time, their brain wired itself to see porn as the solution to stress, loneliness, frustration, boredom, or shame. And because porn delivers a powerful dopamine hit, and because there’s a never ending supply of new material, their brain keeps craving it, reinforcing the habit.
They don’t mean to hurt you. They don’t want to lie. But the cycle of secrecy—watch, hide, get caught, apologize, promise to stop, repeat—keeps them stuck. And the longer this goes on, the worse it gets. Some men escalate to darker material. Some lose desire for real intimacy. Some go so far as to hide devices, create secret accounts, or even seek out in-person encounters.
Not every man follows the same path, but make no mistake: this is a real issue. And it’s not going to stop with another promise.
What Actually Stops the Cycle
The good news? Real change is possible. But it doesn’t happen through shame, threats, or simply “trying harder.” And it doesn’t happen through traditional couples therapy.
Why? Because this isn’t a couples issue. This is an individual issue—one that needs to be tackled at the root.
That’s where Life Coaching with Matt Smith and I comes in.
Matt works with the men. He’s been in their shoes. He knows what it takes to rewire the brain, to break free from the addiction cycle, to learn how to manage emotions in a healthy way instead of numbing them out. And he can help your husband understand and empathize with what he’s putting you through. He’s helped countless men not only quit porn but actually heal from the damage it caused.
And I work with the women. I know what it feels like to be betrayed, to wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust again. I help women heal, regain their sense of self, and set boundaries that protect them—without taking on the responsibility of “fixing” their husbands. I understand what the men are going through and can help you separate out what is his to own and deal with, and what is yours to do to heal yourself.
This isn’t about forcing your husband to change. It’s about each of you doing your own work, side by side, with experts who understand what’s happening in the other person’s world.
What Life Looks Like on the Other Side
Imagine a future where…
- You don’t have to play detective anymore. Trust is being rebuilt—not through words, but through consistent, visible change.
- Your husband actually understands his own behavior and is doing the work to change it at the root level.
- You feel confident, strong, and clear on your own boundaries—knowing that you’re in control of your own healing, no matter what he chooses to do.
This is what happens when both of you get the right help.
No more empty promises. No more wondering if this time will be different. Just real, lasting transformation.
If this is what you want, join us for a free webinar designed specifically for you.
On Tuesday, March 18, at 6 PM Central, I’m inviting all the women to join me and Matt Smith for a powerful conversation. You’ll gain a deeper understanding of what happens in your husband’s mind when he has an urge, what it really takes for him to heal, and how you can heal yourself while your partner works with a professional to take full accountability. We’ll share the truth about real recovery and what lasting change actually looks like. [Click here to sign up for the women’s webinar.]
Then, on Thursday, March 20, at 6 PM Central, we’re hosting a webinar specifically for the men. I’ll be there to explain to them what their wives truly need in order to heal and how their betrayal has impacted their relationship. And Matt will get serious with them about making the decision to change—going all in and doing the deep work to make those changes permanent. If your husband is ready to hear what real recovery requires, make sure he signs up. [Click here to sign up for the men’s webinar.]
This is the week that everything changes for both of you. But it starts with taking the first step. Join us for the conversation that will shift everything.
I’m not a mind reader, but I’ve been where you are, and I’ve been helping women in your shoes heal for a decade. So I can guess a few questions you may have. Let me try to quickly answer some of those here, but know these are exactly the kinds of questions we will be addressing in the webinar. So make sure to sign up—even if you can’t come live, you’ll get the replay in your email.
- What if my husband refuses to sign up for the men’s webinar?
Matt will be sending out the replay as soon as it is over, so anyone who gets on the list for the webinar can get the replay. So while you can sign him up for the list we suggest that he make that choice and take that step. Try asking from the heart and see if he’ll simply sign up and agree to one hour of his life to try to save your relationship.
- How do I know if my husband is actually ready to change, or if he’s just saying what I want to hear?
Honestly this takes time, and trusting your gut. Focus on yourself and know that YOU are ready to take these steps, and then watch and see if his actions and behavior continue to match or not.
- Can my marriage really survive this, or is it too late?
I have seen some really incredible changes in relationships and I truly believe that anyone can change. The kind of work Matt and I do with our clients is to help them really focus on themselves and what is in their power to change, and when they each do that, really big change is possible. Whatever you’ve tried before hasn’t worked, so it’s time to try something new.
- What if I feel like I’ve already tried everything—how is this different?
Much of the help I see out in the world focuses on telling the other partner what to do. This isn’t so much about forcing your partner to change into a specific person you want them to be, it’s each of you really becoming the best version of yourselves and seeing if those two people are still compatible with each other.
- If my husband is doing his own work with Matt, how do I know what’s actually happening in his recovery?
Each week Matt and I will give each of you a talking point to make it each for both of you to open communication about what each of you are doing every week. We can really help each of you build back up your communication with each other piece by piece. I will also help you learn to focus on changed behaviors, and know what to look for to see if what he is learning is turning into real change.
- What if my husband thinks he doesn’t have a problem, even though I can see the signs?
Unfortunately one of the things that does need to happen in order for him to change is for him to WANT to change. If he has any desire to change, whether it’s his internal compass or simply because he doesn’t want to lose his family, Matt can help him really decide WHY he wants to change. But if he doesn’t see any problem at all, including a problem with losing you, then he’s showing you exactly who he is.
- How do I set boundaries that actually work and don’t just cause more fighting?
I help my clients break down boundaries into really easy to understand steps, and help them understand that the boundary is for YOU. You get to decide ahead of time what you will do if he does or doesn’t do what you asked. Fighting usually comes from believing the boundary is to make him change his behavior. When I help clients really understand boundaries, a lot of that fighting stops.
- Will attending the women’s webinar pressure me to stay in my marriage?
Nope. I believe clients are their own best experts. I have lots of clients who stay and rebuild beautiful relationships, and I have many clients who divorce. That choice is always yours.
- How long does this kind of recovery actually take—for both of us?
I work with clients on average for 6-12 months. My goal is always to get you the results you want, better communication, more connection, rebuild trust, manage your triggers, overcome resentment, get excited about the future again and more. I don’t try to keep clients forever. I want you to be happy and flying free on your own, and I have more women like you who need my help. But by this time next year you should both be feeling SIGNIFICANTLY better about your relationship.
- What if I’ve already been through betrayal recovery programs before and nothing changed?
I don’t know of any programs like this where two coaches work side by side helping the couple heal, but each partner has their own professional in a one-on-one setting. The webinar is a group setting, but coaching is individual. I’ve spent a long time making sure that the way we run this program is very different from anything else, so that it can be more effective.
- What’s the difference between this and couples therapy?
This is actually very different from couples therapy, and for good reason. The number one complaint I get from couples is that the couples therapist takes sides of one of them and the other feels picked on and silenced. This is designed for each of you to have your own personal helper, while also working on the same goals and moving at the same pace. You can each say what you need to say in your coaching session, without the other person getting defensive, and then come together after your sessions to talk about what you learned and are working on.
- If my husband struggles with more than just porn (like emotional affairs or secret social media activity), will this still help?
Absolutely. So many of those behaviors have the same or similar root causes and Matt’s focus is taking care of the problem at the root and helping your husband replace the unhealthy coping strategies with permanent, healthy strategies.
- How do I handle the anger and resentment I feel toward my husband for all the lying and betrayal?
Anger and resentment are totally natural after all you have been through. As part of coaching I help you learn how to understand your emotions and then replace them with new emotions you want to feel instead. Life will still have its ups and downs, but you will have much more control over how you feel and what your day to day life feels like.
- What if I’m afraid to trust again because I’ve been let down so many times before?
I would expect nothing else than for you to be afraid to trust after all you have been through. Trusting puts you in a very vulnerable place, with someone else having the power to break that trust. Our focus first will be on relearning how to trust yourself. When you trust that you will keep yourself safe no matter what the other person does, then you are able to trust the other person a little more at a time, when they do trustworthy things and prove they can be trusted.
- What happens after the webinar—what are the next steps?
After each webinar we are going to give the women and men the same homework assignment and it’s basically a guided conversation for you two to have together. It helps you each decide if you are ready to go all in on your relationship for the next 6 months. If you are each ready to go all in, then you agree to each work with Matt and I for 6 months with the same goal-to do your own individual work with the shared goal of saving your relationship. The first 10 couples to tell us they are ready can start now, and any more than that will be put on a waiting list to start as soon as spots open up. So make sure to sign up for the webinars (HERE-Women) and (HERE-Men) so you get the invite to come in person, the replay after its done, the homework worksheet to talk and make sure you are both all in, and the links to sign up when you are ready.
- What if my partner isn’t going to do the work but I still want to work with one of you?
That is totally fine too. Matt helps men learn to quit porn and improve their relationships everyday, and I help women regain their confidence, set boundaries, manage their triggers and more, even when their partners are not doing work. No matter what, this is about YOU learning to have a healthy, happy life. And hopefully your partner will want to do that with you, but you are capable of doing it on your own too.
Want more support?
📩 Stay Connected – If this post resonated with you, don’t miss future blogs. Join my email list to be the first to read new posts as they come out. [Click HERE to sign up.]
💬 Get Personalized Help – If you’re ready to stop feeling stuck and start setting boundaries while allowing people to show you who they really are, I’d love to help. Schedule a free consultation where we’ll talk about how coaching can help you rebuild trust, manage triggers, improve communication, and create a future you’re excited about. [Use THIS LINK to book your session.]
🤝 Share the Support – Know someone who needs to hear this message? Send them this blog!🌱 Join the Community – Looking for a free, supportive space to heal from betrayal trauma? Come join us in my Facebook group, Humans Navigating Betrayal. [Click HERE to join.]
