Are you having a hard time deciding if you really fit the description of “Betrayal Trauma?” Maybe you divorced for lots of reasons, and porn was just a part of it. Are you maybe thinking it was *just* emotional affairs, not physical affairs, so it’s not as bad as some people? If you’ve talked to anyone else in the trauma world you’ll know that it is not a competition of worsts. We all belong, no matter how “bad” it was. And often these questions come after years of gaslighting from our partner that trains us to think that we don’t really know what we are thinking, or it’s never as we think it is.
I understand this question well – “is this really where I belong?” – because I asked myself the same questions. It takes a certain level of acceptance of just how bad things have been to really feel the belonging. So if you are still wondering, that is ok – it’s a natural step on the path to healing. If you ask me, if you have been in a relationship where trust has been broken, then you have been betrayed. If your partner made promises to you that they didn’t keep, that feels like betrayal. You don’t have to get to a certain level of “badness” before you belong. Here’s how I know.
Porn was an issue in my first marriage from year one until the end, which was 9 years. For me the part that hurt even more than the porn itself was the lying and covering up and all the gaslighting. He tried to make me feel like I was crazy. And although the porn was a problem, I was willing to work on that part of the relationship. In all honesty the main reason I divorced him was over money-mindset, although I didn’t have these words to call it that then, and overall laziness. He kept promising to get a job and support our family. He had promised me that since we were dating. The plan was always for me to get to be a stay-at-home-mom. After I put him through undergrad and grad school, including more major changes than a person can count, he still wouldn’t even apply for jobs. I had had enough. I moved out with our 3 kids (we had been staying with his parents for a couple months after moving from Kansas to Washington to be closer to family), and the only requirement for him to move back in with us was get a job. And he wouldn’t. I finally accepted what he had been showing me all along, his true colors, and we divorced. So it’s no surprise money is still his biggest issue. Every email about the kids starts with a statement from him about money even when the email is really nothing about money. It seems to be that his guiding light on all decisions he makes, like how much time to spend with the kids, are all made around how much it will cost.
I see it so clearly now. I’m trying so hard to clear myself of all of his shit and move forward as my own person. And it’s just so draining. I’m glad that part of my healing path has been not only to deal with the betrayal trauma and broken promises, but also to work on money trauma and money mindset. If you are a woman who is also working to clear her money blocks and move forward with financial freedom after betrayal or divorce I can not say enough about DENISE DT’s MONEY BOOTCAMP. I held so much resentment towards my ex around all of his money “stuff.” To be honest I’m still working through that resentment, but I’m on the path and putting in the work. Money work is tied to literally EVERYTHING, so I find that as I work on my mindset around money it is helping heal so many other memories I have too. I have learned so much about my personality and how I relate to money, and the whole exercise has been amazing for me. HARD, and amazing!
So dear warrior, if you are wondering if this is where you really belong, I’ll say this… YES!!! There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to healing. But I can say YOU BELONG HERE! You are welcome and wanted here. If you haven’t gotten my 5 Free Journaling Prompts click HERE, and I’ll send them to your inbox. I’d love to help you heal by helping you write. No matter what it is that you have to heal from, you have the power within you to heal yourself and move forward with the life you truly want and deserve. This is the perfect time to heal; you don’t have to wait any longer. You can do it, and you can have the amazing life you want!! I can help you get there. I’m trained to help you get the results you want. We first look at how you are getting the results you have now, and then I show you how to create the results you want. We can do this starting in your first, free, session. Click HERE to schedule a FREE 30 minute call to see if life coaching or a retreat is right for you. I’m looking forward to talking to you soon. Kendra