You may have heard of a new idea called “Let Them.” Mel Robbins has recently gone viral talking about it. For years I have been using a similar approach with my clients and I call it “The Manual” and I want to introduce you to both of these ideas, and tell you specifically how they can help you empower yourself after experiencing betrayal trauma.
First, here is what Mel Robbins has said about her “Let Them” theory. “I used to tolerate a lot because I didn’t want to lose people. But I learned the hard way that if they were really my people they would never treat me like that. Don’t make the mistake of being so understanding and forgiving that you overlook the fact that you’re being repeatedly disrespected. Let them be upset. Let them judge you. Let them misunderstand you. Let them gossip about you. Let them ignore you. Let them be “right.” Let them doubt you. Let them not like you. Let them not speak to you. Let them run your name in the ground. Let them make you out to be the villain. Whatever it is that people want to say about you, let them! Kindly step aside and LET THEM. The hard truth is they know how much they are hurting you. And they just simply don’t care. They did it knowing it could cause them to lose you. And they did it anyway. People that love you care about how they make you feel. The end. Let them go. There will be people that would rather lose you than be honest about what they’ve done to you. Let them go. The lack of respect was the closure. The lack of apology was the closure. The lack of care was the closure. The lack of accountability was the closure. The lack of honesty was the closure. Let them go. Make the decision to no longer sit at tables where you might be the topic when you get up. Let them go. You can still be kind. You can even still love them deeply. But do it from the distance they created in their words and actions. Access to you is a privilege they have proven they can’t be trusted with. Let them go. You don’t need to tell your side of the story. God already knows. Let God fight the battle for you. Let them go. It’s taken me a long time to get here. Sleepless nights, countless tears, managing a range of emotions filled with anger, disappointment, confusion and deep hurt. Lots of self reflection, self preservation, deep prayer and seeking wisdom from those much wiser than me. If you are struggling with this please know you are not alone. We will never understand why hurt people hurt people. But we can do the hard work to grow ourselves. Because healed people do in fact heal people. Don’t you dare let them steal your joy. Don’t you dare let them steal your light. Don’t you dare let them steal your peace. You are in control of that. Hold tight to what you can control and release your grip on what you can’t control. Let them go.”
Mel’s “Let Them” mindset can feel both liberating and terrifying, especially when you’re dealing with betrayal. It challenges the instinct to control or fix things, instead urging you to step back and let people reveal who they really are. But what does that actually look like in your relationship? How do you apply this idea when trust has been broken, and you’re desperately trying to protect yourself from more pain? This is where we need to shift the focus—from controlling their actions to paying attention to what they’re already showing you.
After betrayal, it’s natural to want to protect yourself from ever being blindsided again. You might feel like if you check his phone, remind him of therapy, or install monitoring apps, you can prevent another betrayal. But here’s the hard truth: if he only stays faithful because you are watching, he isn’t really choosing to be faithful at all. He’s just avoiding getting caught. Real change has to come from him, not your effort to keep him on track.
If you apply Mel’s theory, don’t monitor their phone, don’t schedule therapy appointments for them or any of the other things, and let them show you what they really want to be doing, then you can make decisions for yourself based on truth.
People will always show you what they want to be doing with their actions. If they WANT to quit looking at porn, they will do the research to hire a coach or therapist to help them. They will join groups and show you with their ACTIONS that they want to. If they don’t actually want to, but want you to stay around, they will tell you with their words they want to quit porn, but they won’t actually do it with their actions. Pay attention to their actions, and let them tell you the truth with what they actually do.
Recently I had a client say she couldn’t believe that her partner was the kind of guy who would cheat on her and be seen going out to lunch with another woman at the mall in the middle of the day. One of her friends had seen him out and told her, and when she confronted him he said he was at work the whole time. She was in total disbelief that he could do something to hurt her so much. She still wants to work on the marriage, but is feeling stuck since he won’t be honest with her. Here’s what I told her:
“The person you have believed him to be would never do this. But that person is imaginary. He may have told you he was that person, and may have pretended to be for a while, but he is telling you the truth of who he is with his actions. Staring at the truth like this can hurt.
If you choose to ask him again, try something like this:
‘I love you, and I want honesty in our marriage. I already know the truth, and I need you to be fully honest with me if we’re going to move forward. So I’m giving you one chance to tell me what you’ve been doing behind my back.’ (Or as subtle a question as you wish, but have it be a single question that could get multiple answers, but is definitely a question that telling about this lunch date incident would be obvious.)
Then, let his response be your answer. If he lies again, you don’t have to convince him. You don’t have to explain what you know. You don’t even have to argue. You can walk away without a word if you want to. His actions have spoken for him. Believe what he is showing you. Make radical self-honesty, self-love, and self-care your current top priorities.”
My client had never considered that the person he said he was and that she believed him to be was a made up character he was playing. She said this was life changing advice and perspective shift, and now she’s letting him simply show her the truth with his actions.
One way to “let them” is to not tell them everything you know, ask them for the truth, and then make your decision based on what they choose to tell you or not. In essence, let them lie to you if that is what you choose to do. And then, you do the work to take care of yourself, moving forward, and only allowing people who are going to tell you the truth into your life.
Now I’ll explain the concept of The Manual that I have been using for years and show you how it is similar to Mel’s Let Them.
The Manual is the idea that we are in charge of our own emotions, and we don’t need someone else to do or not do something in order for us to feel emotions we want to feel. We believe that in order to be happy we need our partner to do certain things and not do certain things. We have this manual, or book of rules they must follow in order for us to be happy and feel fulfilled in the relationship. We decide ahead of time that this other human is going to be in charge of our emotions. Which is why we try so hard to micro manage their behavior so that they will do the things we want. Because we believe it will make us happy.
But your emotions don’t actually come from your partner’s behavior. They come from your own thoughts, that happen inside of your own brain. So for instance, your partner buying you flowers doesn’t make you happy. Your thought about him buying flowers makes you happy. We know this because another person could have their partner buy them flowers and they might be mad about it. And the reason for the different emotions is because they are both having different thoughts about it. If you think “that was so nice of him” you will likely feel happy. But if the other person thinks “this was stupid, I’m highly allergic to flowers and he knows” or “we are so tight on money, why would he throw away money on something that will die?” will cause that other person to be upset. But the action was the same, a husband bought their wife flowers.
The reason this is so important is because it means that you can create your emotions on your own, without your partner needing to do or not do anything, which means you can let them do what they are going to do, tell you the truth with your actions, and you are going to be ok either way. In fact, what I have seen with my clients over many years is that they are actually happier long-term when they let their partner show them what they really want to be doing with their actions, and then set boundaries to only let people into their lives who won’t cheat or lie.
You can throw away the manual of all the things the other person has to do to make you happy, and instead focus your energy on yourself and allow others to simply show you who they really are. I made a short 5 minute video explaining The Manual that you can watch HERE.
This is what true emotional freedom looks like—getting crystal clear on what you will and won’t accept in a relationship, and then letting the other person show you, through their actions, whether they want to be in that relationship with you. No more guessing, no more hoping they’ll change. Just watching what they do and believing them the first time. Here’s what that looks like in real life:
- If you believe in faithfulness, and your partner cheats (whether physically, emotionally, or online), they are showing you that they do not want to be in a committed relationship with you.
- If honesty is a must for you, and your partner is upfront about where they are, willingly shares their location, and their words always match their actions, they are showing you that they respect and value your trust.
- If you cannot be in a relationship with someone who watches porn, and they say they’ve quit but keep getting caught, they are showing you that their desires—not their commitment to you—are their priority.
- If you need to feel physically and emotionally safe, but your partner yells, throws things, punches walls, or intimidates you, even if they apologize later, they are showing you that their version of “love” includes fear and control. And the apology? It’s just part of the cycle.
- If you want a relationship where both people take responsibility for their actions, and your partner listens, takes accountability, and makes real changes when you express your feelings, they are showing you that they genuinely care and want to be in a healthy relationship with you.
At the end of the day, words mean nothing if the actions don’t match. Pay attention to what they are actually doing, not what they promise to do. They are already telling you the truth—you just have to be willing to see it.
What is your partner’s current behavior telling you? If they were unable to speak and say any words, does their behavior show you they love and care for you? If the only part of the relationship that feels loving is their words, but their actions don’t match, then that is NOT a loving relationship.
Sit back and let them do what they’re going to do. You’ll feel so much lighter when you stop trying to manage their choices and instead, simply watch what they show you. Let them.
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