If you’re just finding this blog series, welcome. This is part 4 of a 10-part journey walking through real stories and real steps to move forward after betrayal. You can start at the beginning with Blog 1: Acknowledging the Pain.
You’re not the only one navigating this
When betrayal enters a relationship, it shakes the ground beneath you. Suddenly, you’re questioning everything, what’s okay now? What’s not? Do you protect yourself at all costs, or try to leave room for repair? Creating boundaries might feel like one more hard thing when you’re already carrying so much, but it’s actually a powerful way to take care of yourself while figuring out what comes next.
Boundaries aren’t about controlling someone else. They’re about giving yourself a clear line to stand on when everything else feels messy. They can help you stay grounded, even when trust is wobbly.
Sarah’s Boundaries
When Sarah first started working with me, she was completely unsure of what boundaries were even supposed to look like. She’d been hurt deeply by Tom, and she was scared that setting any limits would just push him further away. But she also knew she couldn’t go on pretending like nothing had happened.
So, we worked on setting clear, simple boundaries. If Tom looked at porn again, he’d sleep in the guest room and they’d book an extra coaching session. If he reached out to the affair partner, she’d take a break from the home. Nothing dramatic, just steps that helped her feel safe while still leaving space to rebuild.
It was messy at times. Sarah felt angry, even resentful, when Tom only started stepping up after the damage had already been done. But instead of letting that resentment make the decisions, she kept using her boundaries to keep herself steady. She began to see her boundaries not as threats, but as safety nets. She didn’t have to rely on Tom doing everything right—because she had a plan for what to do if he didn’t. And while he did spend a couple nights in the spare room, working with his coach Matt Smith, he was able to make really good progress, only having a couple relapses and never contacted the affair partner again.
And then there’s Sandra’s Boundaries
Sandra isn’t in a relationship anymore. Her engagement ended when the betrayal came to light, and even though she knew it was the right choice, it still left a deep ache. But Sandra’s been showing up for herself in powerful ways.
In our group coaching calls, she talks openly about how hard it is to set boundaries with people who aren’t romantic partners—like friends who want to brush past her pain, or family who just want her to “move on.” One of her boundaries is simple but strong: she won’t take advice from people who haven’t lived through betrayal themselves.
She even created a note in her phone with phrases she can say when someone crosses her emotional boundaries. Things like, “I’m not ready to talk about that,” or “That’s not helpful to me right now.” They’re short. But they give her back a sense of control when conversations start to feel too heavy. And slowly, Sandra is learning to trust herself again.
Basic Structure of a Boundary
Boundaries are an if/then statement. You make a request to the other person and decide ahead of time what YOU will do if they do/don’t do what you request. For example, if you minimize what happened or try to blame me for your choices, then I will end the conversation and revisit only when you’re ready to take full responsibility. This reinforces that you’re only willing to engage when there’s real accountability, not gaslighting or blame-shifting.
You don’t have to figure this out alone
Boundaries aren’t something you’re expected to master overnight. Most women I work with start out unsure or afraid of setting them. It’s okay if you’re still learning, still wobbling, or still asking if you’re “doing it right.”
In group coaching, we walk through this step together. We talk about real-life situations—what to say, when to say it, and how to know if it’s time to shift a boundary or hold it steady. You’ll hear how other women are navigating this too. And you’ll start to believe that you can, even if you’re scared.
What’s Next
Next week, we’ll dive into Step 5: Accountability, Action, and Communication because no one should go through this alone. Whether you’re married, separated, or single, having the right kind of support is essential.
If you’re just joining us, this is Blog 4 in a 10-part series on healing after betrayal. Be sure to check back each Monday for the next 6 steps to healing, or click [Here] to join my email list and get the next post sent directly to your inbox as soon as it is published.
If you’re ready to walk this journey alongside others who truly get it, my Group Coaching Program is open now. You’ll be surrounded by women who are rebuilding after betrayal—some staying in their marriages, some not—but all committed to healing. Get instant access to all 10 steps, weekly coaching, replays of all coaching calls, and a community of other amazing women who are also healing after betrayal.
If you feel like you would benefit from one-on-one coaching and like individual support, use this link to schedule a private life coaching consultation now.
You don’t have to do this alone. Healing is possible, and it starts right here.
