When your partner tells you things with his words, and especially his actions, believe him. For years I have been helping my clients understand their partners better. I’d like to share a technique I use to help my clients understand what their partner is really saying so that you can use it too.
Let me give you some examples of things my clients’ partners have recently said to them, and then I will share the first thoughts that my clients were having before we coached through the thoughts. I will use examples from 7 different clients.
Partner 1: I don’t want to be with someone so controlling.
Client 1: Maybe I should change my boundaries?
Partner 2: You are crazy. I would never do that again. (Look at porn after countless times of catching him watching it.)
Client 2: What if he really didn’t look at it this time? (Even though she has a strong gut feeling and saw the exact same behavior from him all the other times she saw him do it.)
Partner 3: You’re lucky to have me, no one else would put up with your crazy rules.
Client 3: I guess this is as good as I’m ever going to find.
Partner 4: It’s your fault I cheated. You weren’t here for 2 whole weeks and I have “needs.”
Client 4: I was with my grandma as she was on hospice and stayed until she passed, maybe I shouldn’t have stayed away so long.
Partner 5: You should be over this already. You hold on to grudges forever and are just awful!
Client 5: It’s only been a month since I found out about the affair, but he said he’s sorry, so maybe I should be over it by now?
Partner 6: You’re so fat and ugly after having a baby. That’s why I don’t want to have sex with you and would rather masterbate to porn.
Client 6: He’s right, my body changed, I guess he’s just never going to want me again.
Partner 7: You’d never find anyone as nice as me. I pay all the bills, so you better be grateful and never ask to see my phone again.
Client 7: I’m pretty sure he’s having an affair and I asked to see his phone (he didn’t show me), but maybe I should just be grateful and be quiet?
Do you see a theme here? I do. The very person who is mistreating them is also the one telling them how they should react to the mistreatment. And often the relationships didn’t start out this way, and my clients really believed their partners loved them, so they were inclined to just let them dictate how they should respond to their mistreatment.
If you resonate with any of those examples, and they sound like your relationships, I have some good news for you. You do not have to settle for this mistreatment, and you always get to choose how you are going to respond.
I asked these clients, “What is the truth he is actually telling you with these actions and words?” Here’s what they said.
Partner 1: I don’t want to be with someone so controlling.
Truth Translation 1: I will never respect your boundaries and do what will make you feel safe.
Client 1: Maybe I should change my boundaries?
Partner 2: You are crazy. I would never do that again. (Look at porn after countless times of catching him watching it.)
Truth Translation 2: Of course I’m doing it again, but since you are so introspective, if I tell you that you are crazy you will spend more time thinking about that, and I can keep looking at porn.
Client 2: What if he really didn’t look at it this time? (Even though she has a strong gut feeling and saw the exact same behavior from him all the other times she saw him do it.)
Partner 3: You’re lucky to have me, no one else would put up with your crazy rules.
Truth Translation 3: I hope that you won’t leave me because I know I would never get anyone as awesome as you again.
Client 3: I guess this is as good as I’m ever going to find.
Partner 4: It’s your fault I cheated. You weren’t here for 2 whole weeks and I have “needs.”
Truth Translation 4: Even when you have someone you deeply care about dying, I will be selfish and betray you, and prove I’m never thinking about you when I make decisions.
Client 4: I was with my grandma as she was on hospice and stayed until she passed, maybe I shouldn’t have.
Partner 5: You should be over this already. You hold on to grudges forever and are just awful!
Truth Translation 5: I need you to stop talking about it because I feel guilty everytime you bring it up and I don’t like being uncomfortable. I don’t want to take accountability for what I did, and I don’t want to change.
Client 5: It’s only been a month since I found out about the affair, but he said he’s sorry, so maybe I should be over it by now?
Partner 6: You’re so fat and ugly after having a baby. That’s why I don’t want to have sex with you and would rather masterbate to porn.
Truth Translation 6: I have gotten so used to looking at porn and masterbating that I have developed PIED and instead of getting help for myself, I’d rather call you vile names and neglect you, and hopefully destroy your confidence enough that you won’t leave me for someone who will treat you better.
Client 6: He’s right, my body changed, I guess he’s just never going to want me again.
Partner 7: You’d never find anyone as nice as me. I pay all the bills, so you better be grateful and never ask to see my phone again.
Truth Translation 7: I see you as an object, so you can see me that way too. Because I don’t really care about you except for how convenient it is to have you around and do the chores, I hope you see me for the convenience I am at paying the bills. I won’t show you my phone because I’m too lazy to even try to hide and delete my cheating behaviors and you’d find them the second you open my phone.
Client 7: I’m pretty sure he’s having an affair and I asked to see his phone (he didn’t show me), but maybe I should just be grateful and be quiet?
These “translations” were the exact words of my clients. They could see what their partners were saying. And when I asked them if they believed their actions and these translated words they all said “yes!”
Then it was time for setting boundaries based on the truth of what their partners were communicating. Some of these clients chose to stay and repair the relationships with clearer boundaries, and some decided they had seen enough and decided to leave/divorce. I’m going to add the new boundaries they set, but if you are reading this and want help understanding the basics of boundary setting, go check out this blog: How to Set the Boundaries That are Right for You.
Partner 1: I don’t want to be with someone so controlling.
Truth Translation 1: I will never respect your boundaries and do what will make you feel safe.
Client 1: Maybe I should change my boundaries?
New Boundary 1: Being with me means respecting my boundaries. If you don’t want to respect my boundary, of each of us having the password to each other’s phones, then you are free to leave. But I’m serious and not backing down on this.
Partner 2: You are crazy. I would never do that again. (Look at porn after countless times of catching him watching it.)
Truth Translation 2: Of course I’m doing it again, but since you are so introspective, if I tell you that you are crazy you will spend more time thinking about that, and I can keep looking at porn.
Client 2: What if he really didn’t look at it this time? (Even though she has a strong gut feeling and saw the exact same behavior from him all the other times she saw him do it.)
New Boundary 2: I will trust my gut over the words of a known liar. I will not spend any time considering if I am crazy. I will trust my gut, even when I don’t find specific proof. It’s his job to now prove to me that he isn’t doing it, if that is in fact the truth.
Partner 3: You’re lucky to have me, no one else would put up with your crazy rules.
Truth Translation 3: I hope that you won’t leave me because I know I would never get anyone as awesome as you again.
Client 3: I guess this is as good as I’m ever going to find.
New Boundary 3: I will not be with anyone who calls me crazy or any other names. I am leaving this relationship. Even if I am alone forever I will be happier than I am here.
Partner 4: It’s your fault I cheated. You weren’t here for 2 whole weeks and I have “needs.”
Truth Translation 4: Even when you have someone you deeply care about dying, I will be selfish and betray you, and prove I’m never thinking about you when I make decisions.
Client 4: I was with my grandma as she was on hospice and stayed until she passed, maybe I shouldn’t have.
New Boundary 4: You have shown me exactly who you are and I have seen enough. I will not stay with anyone who can be so cruel, and then have the nerve to blame me for his cheating. I respect myself more than this.
Partner 5: You should be over this already. You hold on to grudges forever and are just awful!
Truth Translation 5: I need you to stop talking about it because I feel guilt everytime you bring it up and I don’t like being uncomfortable. I don’t want to take accountability for what I did, and I don’t want to change.
Client 5: It’s only been a month since I found out about the affair, but he said he’s sorry, so maybe I should be over it by now?
New Boundary 5: I am going to take my time healing. I am in no rush. I know that it will take him time to heal, if he chooses to do that, and in the meantime, I am getting my ducks in a row and will not be rushed.
Partner 6: You’re so fat and ugly after having a baby. That’s why I don’t want to have sex with you and would rather masterbate to porn.
Truth Translation: 6 I have gotten so used to looking at porn and masterbating that I have developed PIED and instead of getting help for myself, I’d rather call you vile names and neglect you, and hopefully destroy your confidence enough that you won’t leave me for someone who will treat you better.
Client 6: He’s right, my body changed, I guess he’s just never going to want me again.
New Boundary 6: I am going to love my body. I am going to work on saving some money so that I can leave when the baby is old enough to go to daycare and I can go back to work. I won’t stay with anyone who treats his wife, and mother of his children this way.
Partner 7: You’d never find anyone as nice as me. I pay all the bills, so you better be grateful and never ask to see my phone again.
Truth Translation 7: I see you as an object, so you can see me that way too. Because I don’t really care about you except for how convenient it is to have you around and do the chores, I hope you see me for the convenience I am at paying the bills. I won’t show you my phone because I’m too lazy to even try to hide and delete my cheating behaviors and you’d find them the second you open my phone.
Client 7: I’m pretty sure he’s having an affair and I asked to see his phone (he didn’t show me), but maybe I should just be grateful and be quiet?
New Boundary 7: I now see him as my Sugar Daddy. He can pay my bills while I secretly work during the day and save up money. If he is going to do shady shit, then it’s fair game for me to do that as well. I can stay here, in a separate room, while I save money to leave.
What has your partner recently told you with his words or actions? Take a step back and ask yourself what it really means. What is the real truth about what he is saying? Now, what boundary do you want to set?
You do not ever have to simply accept poor treatment from another person. When I get pushback from clients early in the process usually they are saying things like “But I married him and promised to be with him forever.” Yeah but he also promised that day to be faithful to you until he died and he’s had 4 affairs, so you now get to choose based on the truth of his actions, not his empty promise from your wedding day. Or she might say “But I’m not a quitter. I need to try everything I can to make it work first.” Ok, that’s exactly what you are doing here in coaching. You are working on learning boundaries and setting them and seeing if he will respect them, and if not, you can’t force him to change. So you have tried everything. Or another thing I hear often is “But he was so much different at the beginning, I just need to change and be better so he will love me like that again.” And the truth is, he always has a choice of how to treat you. Most often that “fairytale” love from the beginning was love bombing and not real love anyways, but even if it was real, it wasn’t you who made him change and cheat! He did that on his own. 100% of cheaters cheat because they made a choice to cheat. It’s not an accident, it’s a choice.
I love helping my clients translate their partners’ words and behaviors because it is such an empowering process for them. No client leaves this exercise feeling small and weak. They all leave feeling powerful, clear headed and strong. They know exactly what they need to do. I do not tell any of my clients that they need to leave. I help them, with exercises like this one, find the answer that was always inside of them. Answering the questions they had about their partner’s behavior helps them face the fear of the unknown, and make a decision that is right for them.
If you are feeling stuck or confused; if you are feeling exhausted and bullied, you are not alone. It makes sense that you are feeling this way when the person who is supposed to be your biggest fan and partner in life is lying, gaslighting, and abusing you. It’s not fair, and it doesn’t have to continue. Many women I work with are able to stay in the relationship, and stop this cycle of behavior. Many go on to have beautiful relationships where both she and her partner find happiness and safety. Others do gain enough self love and confidence and recognize that their partners are not willing to change, and they leave and go on to have beautiful lives. The choice is yours, and only YOU will know what is best for YOU.
I would love to help you find that clarity and healing. Use this link to book a consultation appointment with me where you can tell me what is going on in your relationship, and I can show you how life coaching can help. Together we will design a specific plan just for you and your relationship goals, and move forward from there. I’m here for YOU! I look forward to meeting you soon!
Link to book a consultation call.
Before we wrap up, I’d love to invite you to join my community. If you’re not already on my email list, click HERE to sign up—you’ll be the first to know when new blog posts go up, filled with real, relatable insights on relationships, ways to move forward after betrayal, and practical support for overcoming betrayal trauma.
If you know someone who could use a little encouragement or guidance, feel free to share this blog with them. A little support can go a long way, and together we can help others find confidence and make choices that feel right for them.
For even more insights, come join me on Facebook. Click HERE to follow along so you don’t miss anything new I share over there.
Remember, the power to make things better is already in you. And if you’re ready for some friendly guidance along the way, let’s connect. Book a session today, and let’s take those first steps toward peace and clarity together.
Looking forward to connecting soon!
Warmly,
Kendra Last, Certified Life Coach & Retreat Leader
