If you have experienced Betrayal Trauma you will know what I’m talking about. The day you discovered the betrayal, or “D-day, felt awful, like you had just been hit by a truck, and left on the side of the road to die. Alone. You could see other people, they were all around. They would even look right at you, yet it’s like they couldn’t see that the car accident had broken every bone in your body, and you couldn’t move. How could they not see this? Literally your whole world had just come crumbling down and no one could tell?!?
One of the hardest parts about emotional trauma and abuse is that it’s invisible to the naked eye. Physically you look ok, but inside you feel everything is broken. You start to question everything. All of a sudden it’s hard to trust anyone; even people who have done nothing wrong all of a sudden seem unsafe. That’s because when your person, the one who is supposed to keep you safe, the one who has PROMISED to be faithful to you forever, when that person betrays you, how can you trust that anyone who hasn’t made that promise would be safe either?!
Often this discovery is accompanied with a lot of gaslighting. (The term “gaslighting” means: to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.) In practice, (and especially if this discovery was made by you and you confronted your partner about it, rather than them coming forward and confessing) they will try to convince you that what you are seeing is not reality, that you are crazy and you are making it all up. And it’s hard because you want so much to believe them. You WANT it to not be true, so you second guess what you found, second guess your own mind. And that is exactly what they want. They want you to question your own sanity. This is why so many of us feel like our worlds have been turned upside down. If the one person who has promised to be faithful can do THIS, what else are they capable of? What is the world capable of? All of a sudden the questions flood our mind. We feel paralized, as if every single bone in our body is in fact broken. The cruel irony though is that IF all of our bones were broken, we would be encouraged to stay in bed and rest and heal. Friends would bring us meals and help us care for our kids. We would be taken to all the best doctors and specialists and we would be cared for. Somehow though, after these invisible car crashes, we are expected to just keep going, as if nothing happened. And when we have a hard time caring for the kids, or cooking dinner, or just getting out of bed, we are blamed and told something is wrong with US. I remember wanting to scream from my rooftop, “Why is everyone so blind? Why didn’t anyone see the crash, or see my broken bones?!?” The road ahead can feel very lonely and dark.
Dear ladies, you are NOT alone. If you still feel this lonely you just haven’t found “your people” yet. I promise there are other ladies out there who GET IT! There ARE others who understand this pain, and can validate exactly what you are going through. I call the women who fit this description members of “The Best-Worst Club!” These women are the BEST humans on the planet, and we all came together for the WORST reasons. Even so, once you find your people you will have found a “club” that you relate to more than any before it. You will feel deep and instant connections with others. You will feel like you have finally come “home.” So where can you find these people? There are many facebook groups out there where betrayed partners find hope and healing. You can look for spouse’s support groups in your area. There are specially trained therapists and life coaches, like myself, that can work with you to heal from betrayal. And one of the most powerful ways to heal and find “your people” is by attending a retreat or conference for betrayed women. I host just these types of retreats. I’ve been where you are, more than once actually. I’ve attended retreats, conferences and have been a part of many in-person and online groups. And as a trained life coach I have used my personal experience from these “crashes” and built my practice and retreats specifically to be exactly what I would have needed most after discovery, if I had only known where to find it. I invite you to learn more about the retreats I offer HERE. I invite you to find “your people”. They are out there! Maybe you already know them–they are your friends and family, but they need a little education to know how to support you best. You can reach out to me if you would like any help finding a therapist or life coach to work with. I always offer a FREE 30 minute zoom call for you to learn about and decide if life coaching is right for you. You can click HERE to schedule that free call. You don’t have to stay stuck here. There is healing ahead. I see you, I see your injuries, I know they are real and I know how painful they can be. It’s not your fault you crashed. The good news is that you are the only one with the power to heal yourself. That amazing power is within you right now and I’d love to help you find and harness that power and find the healing you so desire. You’ve got this. This is your time to heal; don’t wait in pain any longer! You can do this. You deserve to take care of yourself, and make time for your own healing! I’ll be talking to you soon, Kendra
As always, these are my thoughts and my thoughts alone. My stories, nor the life coaching I do, ever replace a trained and licensed therapist and I recommend everyone find a therapist they love. You can start your search at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
