One of the things you really do at our Family Retreat is learn to release anger and other things from your life that are no longer serving you. I say “no longer serving you” because I want to first acknowledge that your mind was trying to do the best it could. That when you get into fight or flight mode, or when you only have partial information, you do things differently than you would now, having had time to think about it and now having the full story.
One of the other things you learn at the retreat is how powerful your thoughts are. Your thoughts literally create your life. And bonus: your thoughts are optional, and you can change them if you want!!
So I want to take you through an exercise that you can do right now to release some anger that is no longer serving you. I’ll be using the example of a client of mine with permission from her, but I’ll change her name. We will call her Meg.
First I want you to set a timer for 3 minutes. In that time I want you to write a list of all the things you are angry about. They do not have to all be on the same topic, just write everything that comes to your mind. There are no right or wrong answers. Pause and do that now.
Here are some of the things on Meg’s list: ex is late on child support, terrible health insurance the kids are on w/ex, afterschool traffic, the weird noises my phone makes, the amount of leaves that fall in my yard that I have to clean up, grocery prices, that my ex chose porn over me, that I’m now a single mom raising my 4 kids, that finances are always tight.
First, we discussed that while the list feels like it’s a list of facts, they are in fact all THOUGHTS she is having. That realization is important for what we do next.
I asked her to pick one that felt particularly strong and frustrating. She chose being a single mom raising her 4 kids. And so we put that “into the model”. (If you’d like more explanation on The Model, check out THIS BLOG POST.) You pause and pick one thing from your list.
Circumstance: She has been divorced 7 months
Thought: He left and now I have to raise my 4 kids alone.
Actions: hyper independence-not ask for help, try to “prove she can do it all”/never say no to things, look for everything that is wrong with the ex, focus on all that is hard, not take care of herself, not get good sleep, over eating
Result: Do everything on your own, to the point of wearing yourself out.
She was not thrilled with her results. The thought was not serving her. It was creating her feeling, that then was the driver of her actions, and the culmination was creating the result in her life.
You might not be experienced in building your own model from the thought you chose from your list, but can you see how the thought you are thinking is creating a negative feeling? And then that feeling drives your actions, and whatever the result is, it isn’t what you really want in your life?
Next we talked about what she would rather be creating. To do this really we build the model from the bottom up, so I will list it in reverse order. For this second step it’s important to remember that the circumstance doesn’t change in order to get a new result, it is the THOUGHT that changes to get the new result.
Result: Take care of myself, and be present with my kids
Actions: get to bed by 10pm every night, plan family game night with her kids, plan simple healthy meals, ask for help, say no to things that overextend her, ignore the ex and only email about important things for kids, write in journal more
Thought: I’m so glad that I get uninterrupted time with my kids
Circumstance: She has been divorced 7 months
The new thought Meg chose created a whole new feeling. And when she is feeling connected she makes very different actions then when she was feeling abandoned. She used to think that the circumstance had to change for the result or feelings to change. She has since learned that the circumstance is in fact neutral and she can change the result by simply changing her THOUGHT.
So I want you to do the same thing. Start at the bottom and think about the result you’d like to have in your life. NOTE: You can not put other people in your result line, this is about YOU. So you can’t say you want your ex to do something in your result line. You have no control over anyone else so this is YOUR result.
Once you have your result, think about what actions you will need to take to create that result. Try to list as many things as you can think of. Then ask yourself how you will need to FEEL to do all of the things you wrote in your action line.
And then, you have the last, and hardest line to complete your new model. Sometimes my clients have a hard time with this line and it takes a little brainstorming to get the right one that works for you. That is OK. This is hard work, and new for your brain. Be patient with yourself and you’ll get there. Pick a thought you can think about the circumstance that will create the feeling you wrote on the next line.
Once you’ve connected those dots you are ready to create new results for yourself. You will also notice that the anger, or abandonment, or your original feeling will have faded or completely left you. Your thoughts have that power in your life.
At the retreat we do a lot of work on healing your past, and then creating the future you want for yourself. I would love to help YOU do that too. I hope you will think about coming on one of our family retreats, the next one happening Jan 23-29, 2023, or booking a life coaching call with me. This is life changing work!
I can’t promise you the exact outcome that you will have after doing this work in your life. I can’t guarantee it because it is literally YOU that will be creating it, with simply me as your guide for a time. But I can promise that you have the ability to create anything you want in your life. The only thing it is too late for, is to be younger than you are right now.
I’m ready to help you let go of anger and other emotions and stories that are no longer serving you, and helping you create a new and beautiful life for yourself. Book a FREE call with me to talk about if one of our retreats is right for you HERE.
I look forward to talking to you soon, Kendra
PS-want more information about our retreats, get all the information HERE.